Mascot #7: Sparky D. Dragon

Sparky D. Dragon

"Yay! We got a new coach!"

Name (2): I could see Sparky if UIC had a car theme and he were a spark plug.  Sparky, the spark that ignites the Flames?  Meh.  There’s several better possibilities: Torch, Blaze, Scorch, Singe, Smokey, Smolder, and the ever-depressing Cremator.

In a fight (5): While a fire itself would totally kill all ten mascots except for Phlash, Sparky has some problems.  For one, he looks like one of Barney’s back-up dancers, should the purple dinosaur ever go on tour as a follow-up to his Live Album. The 1/2 number on his jersey probably represents the odds he gets his ass kicked.

Relevance (5): Embodying a flame itself would be difficult, and you never want to get caught up in the slippery slope of catching natural wonders at work. A dragon is a simple fix: he breathes fire, of course. But Sparky doesn’t really breathe fire, now does he.

Love-ability (9): As previously mentioned, looking like a former child show cast member has its perks – the kiddies love him!  Not to mention he’s rather chubby around the middle, which provides familiarity for kids used to their chunky dads.

Style (7): The UIC basketball jersey is a nice touch, but I hate the 1/2 number.  What, he’s only have the player Josh Mayo was?  Also, this guy should be rocking some Air Jordans if he’s playing in Michael’s town, but it looks like he’s wearing those dogshit canvas shoes you get at the K-Mart $5 bin that last two weeks.

This was a very scientific study that I’ve been putting together for years.  In no way did I spend just one hour on a Monday night in August building my rankings.  Mascots are rated in five sections, and in each of those sections they can score anywhere from 1 to 10.  The points, added up in the end, set their ranking.  I was helped by high ranking members from each Horizon League university in this highly scientific process.  These should not be viewed as my own ideas but those of a collective group of non-biased, PhD-holding scholars.

The categories are: Name, In a Fight, Relevance, Love-ability and Style.  The name is self-explanatory, In a Fight is how they would fare in combat, Relevance is how they fit their institution, Love-ability is the capacity for love kids and fans have for their mascot, and Style is all about trying to dress the best (which would be Villanova’s mascot, Jay Wright).

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *