PantherU Mascot Rankings

In case you missed it, Valparaiso University has unveiled new logos both academic and athletic to their lineup.  I’d give you a link to the new marks, but I trust in your abilities to Google it yourself.

What I don’t trust you to do is decide who the best mascot in the Horizon League is.  Therefore, in honor of Valparaiso unveiling their new mascot on September 18th, will be ranking the worst to the best in the conference (sans Valpo) starting with the #9 mascot and working our way to #1.  The next mascot will come out every two days, so be sure to come back and see where your mascot ranks.

This was a very scientific study that I’ve been putting together for years.  In no way did I spend just one hour on a Monday night in August building my rankings.  Mascots are rated in five sections, and in each of those sections they can score anywhere from 1 to 10.  The points, added up in the end, set their ranking.  I was helped by high ranking members from each Horizon League university in this highly scientific process.  These should not be viewed as my own ideas but those of a collective group of non-biased, PhD-holding scholars.

The categories are: Name, In a Fight, Relevance, Love-ability and Style.  The name is self-explanatory, In a Fight is how they would fare in combat, Relevance is how they fit their institution, Love-ability is the capacity for love kids and fans have for their mascot, and Style is all about trying to dress the best (which would be Villanova’s mascot, Jay Wright).

Number 9: Green Bay’s Phlash the Phoenix

Sucks almost as bad as the last phoenix.

Name (5): Phlash is a more fiery name than Sparky, but alludes to Phlegm. I suppose that’s relevant, because that’s what I feel coming up every time I see this thing (or is that vomit?)

In a fight (3): Phlash has hollow bones, which allows her (yeah, it’s a she, look it up) to fly over the competition.  The problem is that, along with her tiny chicken legs, makes for a really rough landing once she attacks.  Seriously, one bite from Pounce and this burning chicken is grounded.
Relevance (10): Phlash is the perfect mascot for Green Bay.  For one, she’s a Phoenix and the team is called the Phoenix. Second, she totally sucks.
Love-ability (6): While kids may not be too comfortable cozying up to something with a foot-long beak (which is why birds suck as pets), the real problem here is that there’s nothing to love about this chick.
Style (0): Seriously?  This jack-ass is wearing a shirt with her own picture on it?  How much of a douchebag do you have to be to do something like that? What makes it worse is the green and red feather boa used to replace her wings.  She needs wings to fly!
In case you needed any more evidence as to why this thing sucks:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *